By Alpha Beta and Nathan Human
MARCH 14th, 2009

http://in.reuters.com/article/topNews/idINIndia-38507620090314?sp=true

*Osama addressing a global audience"

"Gentile-men, distinguished dignitaries, members of the Zionist press and that other news agency in the middle east... the purpose of today’s talk is to provide full disclosure of the Al Qaeda corporation.

As president and CEO of Al-Qaeda Saudi Arabia, I rebel (excuse the pun) against the misuse of the Al-Qaeda® name. Al-Qaeda is after all a registered trademark the Global Elitist Enterprises Co. A term coined by people you will never see, who created, funded, and encouraged what is now referred to as Al Qaeda. Asides from the fact that we are just an overblown hyperbolic excuse for the powers that be to wreak unchecked destructive havoc on helpless populations for the sake of profits in numerous domains of their fake economies, we nonetheless pride ourselves in this capacity.

The success of our brand of shadowy terror over the past few years, its conquest, elusiveness and glamour, have of course attracted many imitations and counterfeits.

That, you might say, is the price of being one of the most successful western nemeses of all time… But almost anywhere in the world today where you hear about instances of so called ‘Al Qaeda suicide bombers’ resorting to isolated and desperate attempts at inflicting a blow to their enemy, are but mere fabrications, that don’t even approach Al Qaeda standards in their calibre nor effect. These attacks are pathetically irrelevant, but nonetheless the market driven media never fail to attribute them to us, increasing our popularity perhaps, but not doing justice to the sophisticated organization that ‘operation cyclone’ reared us to be. You see we are like the Georgio Armani of  the terrorism world, our brand of fuck you terrorism is rare, and only to be worn and believed by the most hegemonic of minds. The corrupt Governments of the ‘free’ world (our affiliates), need to lump anyone who rebels against them under one neat little heading so to be compatible with the dwindling attention spans of their brainwashed populations. All those Muslim names, and various divisions, mores, and jargon is to overwhelming to their two brain cells. So lets just call anything that is opposition to you Al Qaeda.

Groomed by years of sensationalist Hollywood caricatures of the ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’, our image must conform to these false narratives, so to be easily processed by those we pretend to hate.

VIRGINS DEBUNKED

This is not to say that there isn’t a worldwide effort to suppress the Muslim faith so to round out the secularist New World Order in which Muslims and other religious groups are resisting (many for the wrong reasons) clearly this and many other forms of suppression are occurring. Our mandate however cannot have such a localized purpose; our motives must be shallow, sinister and entirely meaningless as that is the stereotype we are working hard to reinforce about muslims so equally deluded christians can have a purpose in life. Manufactured enemies like myself allow manufactured western leaders to justify large military budgets and impliment domestic security laws to further strengthen the discretionary power they exercise over their consumers (citizens), for the sake of preserving their freedumb. They are typically able to do this with little to no resistance, with the exception of the odd “9/11 was an inside job” subculture who is currently undergoing exploitation by something called “the Ron Paul Revolution” which many have been convinced (*chuckles) is a solution.

LOL, OKEE!!!!

So due to the potential for misinformation that threatens the quality of our name and reputation as a band of ruthless virgin embracing killers with no motive other then inflicting widespread suffering for our own sadistic titillation, I would like to clarify here for the public, the main criteria that distinguish Al Qaeda from its pale imitators:

Al QAEDA INCORPORATED
1. Al-Qaeda is not McDonald's, Starbucks, or Kentucky Fried Chicken. That is, Al-Qaeda is not a franchise. Al-Qaeda is largely a centralized establishment. All brands like Al Qaeda Mesopotamia, Al-Qaeda Maghreb, Al –Qaeda Somalia, or Al-Qaeda Knock-le-Zoute and others, are falsely classified and do not function under the auspices of al-Qaeda Saudi Arabia, its board or its shareholders. Those who play the role of our ‘enemies’ frequently label these groups ‘Al Qaeda’ to evoke the anxiety associated with that term in the American mind, whenever their shadowy overlords are in need of an excuse to justify a resource or land grab. For example: just because Al Qaeda came from Sunni extremism, doesn’t mean that all Sunnis are Al Qaeda… The USA has violated international copyright agreements in attributing these elementary acts of defiance to the Al Qaeda name, and our union has refused going back to work, until they accuse of something that we believe sufficiently vilifies us. You see, our American viewer cannot be bothered with information pertaining to the nuances of the various sects, divisions, and subcultures within the Muslim world (or anything about Muslim society. Period) they are given our name to encompass all they should despise and fear in this world. This is fine, but we just ask that the acts of violence of which we are accused, retain the same standards as set by the Israeli Mossad on 9/11.

AND NOW FOR A BRIEF COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTION FROM OUR SPONSORS:

THANK YOU

INDEPENDENCE
2. Al-Qaeda, which has never integrated with any government, has always been and will always remain an independent operator and will never serve any particular State, unless the oppressive global capitalist system requires it; as they so often do. This should provide some insights into Al Qaeda Iraq, Al Qaeda Pakistan, and Al Qaeda Afghanistan for anyone paying attention. In fact the name Al Qaeda was created by Global Elites inc.'s intelligence agencies and has never been a term I have used to exemplify my cause. The impostors within these countries whether they be Blackwater mercenaries or Israeli Mossad agents dressed as Arabs, have no affiliation with your favorite adversary. Any legitimate resistance is likely trying to achieve local small scale goals and not fulfill the mandate of the Global Jihad (another concept used to unify the world against what would appear to be a unified global resistance to ‘the west’). We are not an ubiquitous omnipresent entity that can manifest wherever it pleases, that is a function reserved by our mother corporation.

SCALE OF ATTACKS
3. Our name can not be associated with the amateurism and clumsiness that characterized the attacks in London and Glasgow. We only care to associate ourselves with crimes for which there is no incriminating evidence against us; like 9/11. With the exception of the confession of some brown dudes who were beaten and tortured for 5 years in a secret prison from which they gave their ‘confession’ in a kangaroo court that wasn’t publicized, there is no direct evidence linking Al Qaeda much less Osama Bin Laden to the attacks, but it was much better then the “mujahedeen” or something to that extent. Clearly there are too many letters and syllables in that word; it doesn’t have the same ring to it. Al Qaeda sounds violent, swift and crazy religious and likely still doesn’t approach explaining the method to our madness! But know that these pesky bombers are frauds and as a consequence will only be receiving half of the allotted virgins in the afterlife, and Allah will ensure they are all very ugly.

AMATEURS

MISREPRESENTATION
4. Al-Qaeda is no longer limited to small scale neighbourhood odd jobs, as happened recently in Morocco. Rather, Al-Qaeda’s CIA mandate is to strike only sensitive and symbolic targets, so to arouse blind uncritical patriotism in the affected population, which is then to be used as an excuse to kill the brown people I pretend to represent. This is essential for the creation of an omnibus -one world government- that is run in the interest of corporations, bankers and Zionuts abroad; clearly you can sympathize? How long am I supposed to suppress my interest for things like shopping, sex and TV? What do you think I do in this cave all day? Read the Koran? Bump that shit, playstation 3 and the latest season of Sex in the City on blue-ray bitch.

MEDIA COVERAGE
5. Al-Qaeda does not move without appropriate media coverage and would never strike where cameras could not witness and record these acts for the world to see. Our victims can be assured that they will all be on TV, as our crimes our needed to breed a degree of fear and hysteria so to ensure that we get future contracts with our employers. If you don’t hear about an attack its likely it was committed by real terrorists. It should come as no surprise to you that both supposed streams of media in your society (both liberal and conservative) dignify Al Qaeda as a tangible enemy, only arguing about the extent of intervention required to eliminate any threats. This is largely due to the fact that the mainstream media is controlled by the friends of those who work in the arms industry.

Any news report regarding Al Qaeda will be brief and Vague, you know it’s us if there were no specifics provided whatsoever.

TIMING
6. Similar to the last point, its important when deliberating the authenticity of an Al Qaeda allegation that one considers timing. One would be wise to note the pattern and circumstances surrounding the release of some of my many “look at how scary I am videos”. Whenever the authenticity of Al Qaeda becomes an issue, it’s necessary that I have one of my choreographers put out a scary tape, layed over an outdate image of me with a gun of course. I will always do this, after or during any Israeli-Palestine debacle, or whenever our affiliates need an excuse to crack the whip in their own countries. You can count on me to manifest wherever there is crisis; wherever the age old war between east and west should be waged I will be there vying for your attention.

IMAGE
7) Any image of Al Qaeda is incomplete without being decorated with an AK-47 in the background, so to immediately evoke schemata of fear and violence, so the people we represent (i.e. Muslim world) can continue to hoard the stereotype, of crazed senseless killers. Because our purpose is to merely provide reason for western countries to invade eastern ones coming across as civilized in my many youtube appearances (i.e. abandoning gun in background) wouldn’t have the same stereotype affirming effect.

GRATUITOUS GUN SHOTZ

RECRUITMENT STANDARDS
8. Al-Qaeda, since its inception, has been forced to broadened our target market. To the poor and disparaged peoples of the world we will appeal to you by exploiting the religion you have been programmed to dictate your life with, we will create incentives such as virgins and promises of martyrdom to satiate your substandard needs. To the privileged we will give logical explanations of how Al Qaeda is a legitimate political resistance that nobly defends the Arab world, and not just an entity which sets the premise for western nations to infiltrate Muslim societis. Your acts as an Al Qaeda member will bring you the immediate sense of accomplishment you require to feel as though you have made an impact, while the consequence of these acts will be used solely to empower those pretending to be our enemies, but hey its cash and hoes baby!!

PROVE TO ME YOU ARE NOT A WESTERN COWARD!!

SEX AND GENDER
9. As was done in ancient times, choosing today's Al-Qaeda female members, involves only prepubescent girls and postmenopausal women. The impurity of those in between defile any sacrifice. An operation involving a woman aged 9 to 59 years cannot therefore be the work of Al-Qaeda. Of course even the man himself has had to make a few exceptions...

OK I must confess here at Al Qaeda we got a mad fetish for the objectified impure women you have in your society. Here we buy them, cloth them, and feed them and they are equal to us in saving the honor of our company, therefore we don't practice segregation in their rights to be among the martyrs, in this day in age any patsy will do. The clothes disguise their gender but do not suppress their stylish look that we gawk at endlessly. Those who walk into a gathering of military recruits without anyone taking notice therefore, cannot be the groupies of Al Qaeda.

OUR MOTIVE
10. Al-Qaeda does not resort to kidnapping. The hostage strategy that is being employed today in Iraq and elsewhere are of political calculation and logic of negotiation, that Al-Qaeda refuses categorically. Indeed, contrary to popular belief Al-Qaeda is not a terrorist organization but a collection agency. We do not want to harm you or terrorize you to extract concessions or anything. In fact, our agents are vengeful angels. Just like Nemesis, the goddess of retribution, they are only there to remind you of the coldness of the universe, and punish your fears for your cheap MP3 players and broadband access to high speed internet. Many thanks to Obama for reinstating me as global villain #1.

ROUND TWO?

PAPARAZZI RUN INS

BUSTED!!!

"We cannot help it, it came naturally"

CLOSING REMARKS
So the next time you hear of an attack in which the performers claim to be members of Al-Qaeda, be sure to put it to this test to confirm its authenticity.

The challenge for you is huge. You need to know that physical and psychological suffering that you may endure as a result of counterfeit acts cannot be counted on to bring you the unifying common enemy required to wage wars for profit you need to maintain ecologically unsustainable ways of living.

So a little advice: do not rely on imitators and frauds. In all cases ask yourself "does this make absolutely no sense whatsoever?" If the answer is yes then you can conclude it is us. So don’t forget when they raise the military budget in response to a terrorist attack always ask for the label Al-Qaeda ®.

Thank you

*Audience erupts, Osama is handed an award

Its with great arrogance that I accept this award, I must first commend the shadowy elite who rule us all with an iron fist for writing such a intelligent screenplay, I would like to thank all my fans, supporters, enemies and their braindead followers, for it is you that embolden me to take the rap for atrocities even in times of economic crisis when all the CIA can offer me in compensation is 2 Mexican virgins and a used first generation Iphone with a scratched up fkn screen. Fuck. Death to America and have a good night.


Osama bin Laden,

President and CEO,

SA Al-Qaeda

RELATED ARTICLES

Manufactured Boogeyman commissioned to expedite shit hitting fan
http://www.fadsmashers.com/7/post/2009/01/much-needed-adversary-calls-for-more-terrorism-jan-14th-2008.html

Unraveling Al Qaeda
http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=7787

The Al Qaeda Myth
http://www.tompaine.com/articles/2006/04/12/the_al_qaeda_myth.php

The Making of a terrorist myth
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2004/oct/15/broadcasting.bbc

Leave a Reply